Self Demise
by Forbiddensoul562
Summary: Light can clearly see that L is depressed, but will he stay in order to find out what's wrong or leave in order to ensure that murders will continue? Annd what consequences will he have to live with for his decision? First DeathNote story plz r&r!
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I've been mulling over the idea for this story for a while now but because I haven't fully finished the series (I had someone tell me what happens and I've scanned the later books) I wanted to wait till I had finished so I would have all my facts right. But after reading a number of amazing stories in this category I figured I'd give it a shot anyway. This is my first DeathNote story please be kind, criticism is welcome though as long as it's not a full on flame.

Disclaimer: If I owned this story do you honestly think I'd be writing these stories for it?... actually I would… okay point is, I don't own Death Note despite how much I wish I did so no suing!

Title: Self Demise

Chapter 1: Behind Hollow Eyes

There was something wrong with L; Light could tell just by watching him out of the corner of his eyes. The detective had been quiet most of the day and when he did speak he didn't say more than four words.

He and L had been working on the Kira case all day now (along with the rest of the task force of course), and all day Light had suspected something was wrong with the detective.

His normally large eyes were half closed and unfocused, as though he was fighting some kind of internal struggle with himself and had left the outside world behind completely. And whenever Light tried to bring him back to the case by asking him what his opinion on some kind of evidence was, L would ask him what he thought and then agree.

As Light pretended to look over a report now on the computer screen he was sitting in front of he couldn't help but let his brown eyes travel over to the detective who sat on his part of the couch with his knees up to his chest, and his thumb still on his sealed lips.

The teen's eyes then traveled down to where their hands sat, oddly closer to each other than normal; every few moments the detective's fingers would twitch as if holding back from some kind of action. The chain that bound them both together was limp, hanging over the side of the couch.

Light contemplated what he wanted to do.

He could continue to do nothing and leave L in his own little world, maybe then it would force him to make some kind of mistake, to miss some little detail that would, on any other day, be unheard of for the detective.

But on the other hand, he could try and force L into telling him what was bothering him. By doing this it would supposedly bring them closer together and ultimately closer to gaining the information of what L's true name was; ultimately leading to his death.

Then Light turned back to the screen, beginning to think over that option more in detail. It made sense on the outside of why L would keep his name hidden from him, Light was pretty confident that L wouldn't go to those lengths to get a Kira-like reaction from him. But he could if he really wanted to, he could reveal his true name to Light and if he ended up dying it would only prove that he was Kira.

The teen let the thought slip from his thoughts to focus on the situation at hand; he once again turned to L with his decision in mind.

"Ryuzaki."

"Hm?"

"Are you okay?"

L's deep eyes came back into focus and flicked over to Light, a sudden chill ran up his spine that assured that he was being evaluated even now. "Sure, why do you ask?"

Light gave him a confused look, "just sure?"

"You're evading my question, Light-kun." L said.

"You're evading mine."

L continued to stare unblinking at him so finally Light sighed, hoping he would be able to draw out a proper answer later on, "well you just looked really distracted, so I figured I'd ask."

"Oh," L's eyes turned back to the computer screen in front of him, still unseeing it fully, "other than being distracted, I suppose I'm alright."

Light's confused look only deepened, "why are you so distracted?"

L was silent for a long moment, the look on his face said that he was definitely in turmoil within himself only this time closer to his surface; something said he was contemplating whether or not he really wanted to tell Light, his best friend, what was on his mind. "I just have a lot on my mind." He finally said.

"Like what?" Light asked.

"Why are you so prying today, what are you trying to get at?" L asked, Light tried to ignore the fact that L was accusing him of being Kira in the hopes of causing enough frustration in the teen that he would drop it. Light tried not to let that get to him for the moment.

"Because I'm your friend and I want to try and make it better."

L was the one to give him a confused look, 'help me?' L thought to himself, 'he wants to help me by making it better? I would have never thought Light the kind, I was sure that his side of our friendship was just a façade, but now… now I'm not so sure. If he was Kira there's no way he would ever care enough to even ask what was wrong with me, he would simply let me continue on in the hopes that I'll make a mistake. But if this is just Light talking, maybe… Could it possible… could he…?'

L could feel nervousness raking his body as he finally decided that now would be the time to tell his friend, Light. He couldn't be sure if there was going to be a later anymore.

"So?" Light said, bringing the detective back to the present again.

"Well… I… Light-kun, I," as his words refused to fall in proper sentences he felt his left hand that was on the couch move ever closer to Light's, he felt his very body begin to move closer, he could feel the addicting heat that resonated off of the teen's body.

Light felt himself frozen in place as L came closer to him with a shyness in his usually confident movements; his eyes were locked with L's coal orbs that held him with a promised security.

He felt a warm hand touch his cheek and at that moment he knew he was lost to the temptation. He wasn't sure if this was really right or wrong, but at the moment he didn't really care. Something in him told him it was right for all the wrong reasons, but the fact that it was right in any way was enough of a reason for him at the moment.

Still L moved closer, his hand was shaky, shy and unknowing. Finally they were mere centimeters apart. Light could feel the detective closer than ever to him; he tried to move to give him a straight shot to his lips if he really wanted it…

"Light," the sudden sound of Soichiro Yagami's deep voice entering into the room threw L back away from Light in one vicious motion, he looked over his shoulder to avoid meeting Light's now widened brown eyes, "are you ready to go?"

Light's eyes went to his father, then over to L, who was fumbling in his pocket. The detective suddenly came out with a key and began to unlock the handcuffs that were keeping them locked together.

"Ryuzaki?" He asked, not trusting his words at the moment, his mind was too cluttered with thoughts to make sense of anything.

"I'm letting you go home, I'd hate to keep you stuck with me all night again and away from your family for even longer than need be."

Light's look only turned more into confusion, his head slightly turned to the side, he couldn't figure this guy out. He observed L's diverted gaze that seemed ridden with sadness.

L's eyes flicked to Light, "I'm sure you'll be happier this way." He said.

Their eyes locked together for a moment that seemed the stop time. Light could almost see into the deep recesses of L's soul; he could almost read what was going through his head and feel what he was feeling. Something was screaming at him to just stay where he was and try to figure the detective out.

Light finally stood up after removing his handcuff but continued to stand next to the couch they had remained on; L's eyes had followed him and black orbs locked with brown ones once more. There was something in them now, an emotion that almost begged him to stay despite not being handcuffed together anymore.

"We'll continue this tomorrow, I guess." Light said, his voice barely over a whisper, guilt washing over his every word. His better instincts told him not to leave, to stay and try to do everything in his power to erase the depressed look that was painted on L's every feature. But the other part of him knew that he needed to go home and plan, and to write more names in the Death Note.

"If you say so, Light-kun." L said while diverting his eyes away from the teen.

Light forced himself to turn away and to walk to the door, "see you tomorrow, Ryuzaki." Light said as he took the handle of the door in his hand.

L didn't respond.

A/N: Okay, so there'll be one more chapter to this short story. So that makes this a two-shot. I guess it's a good start for this category. Anyway, next chapter will be up shortly. Send me your reactions, comments, criticism, ect. Thanks! (No flames please, keep in mind this is my first DN fanfiction and I'm already wondering about how well I kept them in character.)

Please review!

_-Forbiddensoul562_


	2. Regret

A/N: Okay so this is the second chapter, thanks to all of you who reviewed, seeing as this is my first DN fanficition and I was extremely nervous all your wonderful reviews really helped my confidence! So thanks a lot. Okay so now I don't have much else to say so without further adieu, on to the story!

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.

Chapter 2: Regret

L sat in the empty hotel room on the same couch he had been when Light had been there, his glazed over black eyes gazed at the floor as though it held some kind of interest in him.

He had been sitting there unmoving ever since Light and the rest of the task force had left for the day.

He suddenly heard the sound of Watari entering into the room, "Ryuzaki, is there anything I could assist you with?" He asked; L wondered if he noticed the depressed mood he was in just as Light had.

It was as if all of the holds he had ever had over his emotions had suddenly disappeared. Years of living with the fact that he knew he could never truly be accepted, or loved, by anyone weighed so heavily on his heart he felt it might just fall to the floor if it didn't explode first.

How was it that a single person had this kind of power over him?

There was, of course, no use hiding it anymore. He was past hiding it, and past everything all together now. He knew sadness now, knew depression; they had become great friends.

"I need all of the security tapes from the Sakura TV station from the past forty-eight hours." He said, partly looking back at the older gentleman, hardly any emotion in his words.

"Alright," He said as he turned to leave.

"Oh, Watari." The older gentleman turned back to the detective who met his gaze, "before you go, could you please turn off all the surveillance cameras we have in here?"

He nodded, the question could be seen in every line of his features but he didn't put it to words. "Of course, I'll be back soon." He then turned to the door once again.

L said nothing in response, he listened as Watari leave the room and leaving him alone in this lifeless hotel room.

L waited ten minutes for the camera to be turned off before he stood up and went to the kitchen area of the room and silently shut the light off, then proceeded to do the same with the rest of the lights.

With the state he was in now, he couldn't be sure what Watari would find when he got back.

--

Light sat up in his room at his desk, his head in his hands and finally mulling over everything that had happened the last moments that he was in that room with L.

'What was he thinking?' Light thought, 'what would he have done if nothing would have disturbed him?' He began to think about it before finally letting a heavy sigh tumble from his lips, there was no way it could be true.

"Hey, Light," came Ryuk's voice from where he sat on Light's bed eating an apple, "what's got you so stressed?" He asked.

Light considered ignoring the shinigami for a moment but finally decided against it, "did you see what almost happened between me and Ryuzaki?" He asked, tension and almost anger laced every word. His eyes fell to the open Death Note that sat before him, the empty page begging him to write names down.

"What? When you were being extremely caring towards what was bothering him? It was a good show; you had me convinced that you actually meant it." Ryuk questioned.

"No, after that." Light said through clenched teeth, he himself wasn't sure if he had meant the words anymore or not.

"Oh," he laughed again, "yeah, I did. What do you think would have happened? You think it's a trick to try and reveal you as Kira?" He asked.

"I don't know… and that's what bugs me. It could be…" He said, his voice trailing off at the last bit as he went into his mind to think about the situation.

If his father wouldn't have interrupted there was no doubt L would have come even closer to him, probably giving Light the opportunity to back away while he had the chance. He could feel the cool breath that would have caressed his skin, and then finally feel the touch of L's soft lips to his, tasting of the very sweets the detective ate.

He could imagine his own eyes slipping closed as he gave in to the temptation that the detective brought along without a second thought, he could feel his hands getting lost within L's black locks and feel how their bodies would melt together and yet crave so much more of the other at the same time.

He could feel L's hands moving from holding his face to travel around, exploring the new flesh that was soon to be discovered; until finally they finally moved t-

Light suddenly shook his head, clearing the images from his head in order to think more logically about that situation. Those thoughts could only be brought on by the false fact that he may enjoy it. In truth he would have had to go along with it, it was the only way to get closer to L. That had to be the truth… It just had to… What other explanation was there?

Damn L.

He always somehow found a way to get the upper hand, whether he knew he knew he was doing it or not. In this case, there was no way of determining if what he would have done was that or not, or if it would have been by his true actions or if it was, in fact, his way of getting closer to figuring out whether he was Kira or not.

The sad fact was that Light knew in every fiber of him that he wouldn't have stopped L if he had kissed him at that moment, and although he would never admit it, he would love to know what those lips really tasted like, and what that hair felt like on his fingertips, and to know what his touch would do to him, what it would drive him to do.

Just then, the sound of the doorbell ringing downstairs brought him back out of his mind. He stood up to get the door, hoping the quick trip would dispose of the thoughts and allow him to concentrate on more serious matters.

But as he got to the top of the stairs where he could look down and see the front door, he saw that Sayu had already beat him there. She opened the door and who stood there made Light's eyes widen by a fraction.

Watari stood in the doorway, looking just as he did all the time at the hotel, but something was different about him now… Light wondered what could have brought him here having only left the apartment barely two hours ago.

Light continued to walk down the stairs as Sayu let him inside and closed the door, "ah, Light. Where is Soichiro?" Light let out a relieved breath, glad that he had come for his father and not him.

"Good evening, Watari, we didn't expect to see you here." Came his father's voice as he entered into the front room from where he had been at in the dining room area.

Watari removed his hat, "yes well, something serious has come up…" Light turned to leave again when the old man's voice caught him again, "no, Light, you need to hear this as well."

'What's this about,' Light thought to himself as he turned back around and his father welcomed him into the sitting area, 'this is really sudden, I never thought L would actually send him here for anything, couldn't he just call my father if something came up, or hold it off till tomorrow?'

They all sat down and a heavy silence fell in the air, Light composed himself and tried not to demand to know what this was about to ease his anxious nerves.

Watari's eyes moved up from the ground slowly to them, "Ryuzaki is dead."

Light felt his heart stop at that instant then drop out of his chest, his eyes widened instinctively. L, the three greatest detectives in the world, was dead? How? What had happened?

He knew he should be happy, his biggest rival was finally gone, meaning no one could get in his way from becoming the god of the new world. But at the same time he felt a heavy weight of grief that he had never experienced before growing in his center, why that was he couldn't quite tell.

If everything with L had been fake up until now, as he had let himself believe, then why was he feeling like this? Why was he not excusing himself so he could rejoice?

"What? How?" His father finally asked, his strong voice laced with almost anger but broken with sadness at the same time.

"He… committed suicide, I'm afraid." Again Watari's eyes traveled downward. (1)

Light forced himself to stay as he was, putting on an emotionless façade in order to try and continue looking proper, pristine. But in his mind he was confused, it didn't seem like L to pull something like this, somehow it just didn't fit.

He had been fine yesterday and distant today, what could have possibly forced him to resort to such actions in such a short period of time? He then began to wonder, could it be that Light had just failed to notice the steady downfall of his friend? Part of him hoped not

He tried not to believe that it was connected to what had almost happened between them earlier, but the more he thought about it the more the guilt built up inside of him. Because if that was the reason, then it was his fault it had happened. He could have stopped it.

He watched as his father removed his glasses and hung his head, his hand catching it.

"Do you know why?" Light forced himself to ask feeling as each word was toxic to even hear, he knew that somehow this just couldn't be right… it couldn't, this couldn't happen to L.

Watari sighed and reached into his pocket, "no, but he left you a note, Light." He handed Light a white piece of paper that was carefully folded up.

"This is terrible." His father said, Light's brown eyes were locked on the piece of paper in his hand, wanting to read it now, but he held back for the moment. "How could this happen? How could he let this happen, we were supposed to catch Kira!" His father's voice was growing with each word spoken.

"I wish I knew, Mr. Yagami, trust me when I say I really do." Watari said, and then stood up. "Now, if you don't mind, I must be going. There's someone I must see about this as well."

Light stood up as well to walk him to the door, he proceeded to offer the older gentleman his condolences before he left; then proceeded up to his room, closing and locking the door behind him.

Once that had been done he let himself slide down to the floor, feeling Ryuk watching him from the bed where he was still sitting, the television was now on. "Who was it?" The shinigami asked.

"Watari."

"Oh? What'd he want? Or should I say, what did L want?"

Light looked up for a moment, feeling the remorse growing within him just at the mention of the detective's name. "He came to tell us that L killed himself."

Ryuk laughed, a reaction Light wasn't expecting, "you didn't tell me you finally figured out L's real name. I hadn't expected you to make him kill himself though. You must be pretty happy, now that he's out of the way who's going to stop you from bringing justice to this world?"

"I didn't figure out his name, he did it on his own free will." Light said, the words were hard to force out, as if with each one he said it meant it was actually real; that this wasn't just a horrible dream.

Light sighed and forced himself up, the paper in his hand felt so much heavier than it was, as though he would fall over from it alone.

What would L want to say to him in his final note? What was there to say? 'I know that you're Kira'? Light shook his head to clear the thought, there was no way L could have figured it out, he forced his fingers to work in order to open the carefully folded paper and began to read:

I can''t imaginE beiNg in Your place, LIGHT, getting this kind of inforMation so sUddenLy. I know yOu wouldn't understanD and frankly I don't thinK I unDerstand myself. I was sO sure that yOU were Kira the wHole time, but aS that time sLippeD away from us I began to thiNk differently about You, then RepeatIng back To Thinking yOu were. By the end of IT I was completely Lost in the ConfusIon. I''Ve never taken On A caSE that I couldn't SolVE, but I feaR the result of me findIng the Answer to this casE WoUld take my only frIend awaY frOm me, and I doN't want to have THAT HAppen. I'm sorry. I maY be jUstice, but I when I met you I realized that I Wanted something Else MORE.

In order to find a balance between the two  
L

Light smirked, there were two messages in this note; he could tell just by the way it was written, he hadn't often seen L's handwriting but he was pretty sure this was an unintentional. His eyes narrowed as he tried to find a way to pick out each message.

Knowing L, Light expected him to have put a lot more thought into it. He must have been pushed on time and couldn't make it any more hidden.

He then began the tedious process of separating each message.

He first took all the capital letters and extra punctuation marks since it was obviously the key to splitting the two messages to get: '-E-N-Y-L-I-G-H-T-,-M-U-L-O-D-K-D-O-O-U-H-S-L-D-N-Y-R-T-T-O-I-T-L-C-'-V-O-A-S-E-S-I-V-E-,-R-I-A-E-W-U-I-Y-O-N-T-H-A-T-H-A-Y-U-W-E-M-O-R-E-. (2)

Just from that the only thing he could pull from it was his name, 'it', 'that', and 'more'. Taking those words out he began to put the letters around using each letter only once till after what felt like a lifetime he finally separated the two messages.

The first one read:

I can't imagine being in your place, Light, getting this kind of information so suddenly. I know you wouldn't understand and frankly I don't think I understand myself. I was so sure that you were Kira the whole time, but as that time slipped away from us I began to think differently about you, then repeating back to thinking you were. By the end of it I was completely Lost in the confusion. I've never taken on a case that I couldn't solve, but I fear the result of me finding the answer to this case would take my only friend away from me, and I don't want to have that happen. I'm sorry. I may be justice, but I when i met you I realized that I Wanted something Else more.

In order to find a balance between the two  
L

And the second message, which was:

I'm sorry Light, I couldn't take it anymore. I loved you; I wish you would have seen that

Light refolded the paper back up and held it tightly in his hands, letting his head fall. He thought he hated L, he thought he had wanted him dead in the first place. But after reading all of that, and thinking about the detective once again the remorse took over, numbing him and forcing tears to well in his closed eyes.

'Damn you, L!' Light shouted to him, 'why didn't you tell me before now? This isn't how it was supposed to end! You weren't supposed to fall in love with me and do something like this!' He squeezed his eyes closed even more, 'why couldn't you have just waited till tomorrow, we could have fixed this… I could have fixed this.'

He gave a light and unenthusiastic chuckle, yes, L definitely knew how to get the upper hand over him. He supposed that was what made L his only equal.

And he loved him for that.

The End

A/N: I think this is the first suicide story that I've written where I didn't actually write the scene where the victim dies, and that's pretty amazing cause I write a lot of those types of stories. Anyway, I think this actually turned out pretty well. Though as I was writing the scene with L and Light and when Light was thinking about it later I couldn't help wanting to write more on that. Who knows, if I can find/make a good plot line I may delve into that. Anybody have any suggestions?

1: I know a lot of people are going to be like, "L wouldn't do that" and all the other stuff like that but let me make this clear. Him acting all depressed and stuff was true, he was upset, but he was testing Light. He wanted to see if Light would choose to stay with him when the cuffs were off and he had the chance to go home on his free will. By almost kissing him it gave a hint as to what was bothering him, so if Light decided to stay it would mean he cares and if he didn't it meant that he didn't (or not as much as he thought). And since Light left he figured it meant that Light didn't care for him in the same way he did, so... he took drastic measures. Just thought i'd clear that up

2: I think the hardest part, though, about this story and about this whole series in particular is all the mysteries that almost must be included for it to be a good Death Note fanfiction (to those who don't add them in: your stories are amazing too and still incredibly realistic!) I had to re-write that letter three times before I was finally satisfied with it. Keeping L and Light in character is easy compared to having to try and think of how to re-create these mind games they play. I say this for anyone who tries to see if the puzzel i left actually works. It worked for me when i did it before, but that was at like... four in the morning when i hadn't had a good night's worth of sleep in a week so it is probably missing a couple of letters. And since this IS Light we're dealing with, he's the one who would be able to create that message given such little information.

Please review what you think!  
(Sorry for the long author's note!)

_-Forbiddensoul562_


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